How to (successfully) write a paper in one night

A classmate and midnight chat buddy asked me the other day for advice on writing a paper the night before the deadline, which I was pleased to offer, having done this once or twice. Or, you know, my entire first two years of college. Now, we all know this is a crap idea and that you really shouldn't do it...but sometimes you do. And here's how I'd make the best of it:

1) Take a little time to prepare. In my experience, you probably have notes and outlines already, because this is about the fact that you suffer from crippling self-doubt, not the fact that you're a slacker. In that case, take a few minutes to refresh your memory and make a plan for the paper. At this point, you don't have much time for revision, so it's all about choosing a structure and sticking to it.

2) And then start writing. The one good thing about last-minute writing is that it removes all options. It's too late for procrastination. Damn the torpedos, full speed ahead.

3) After an hour, get up and walk around the block/library/house. Do not skip this--it is what keeps your mind sharp and prevents you from going off the rails with one of those last-minute ideas that sounds great at 3am but is actually batshit crazy.

4) Take care of your body. I know this is counterintuitive when you're spending all night in front of a glowy screen, but there are some rules that will keep you going strong. Eat lots of high-protein snacks. Sugar is good, but only if you have a constant supply, or you'll crash. Caffeine is your friend, but go slow. If you up your intake too much, you'll probably lose your ability to focus, and might feel sick. Food without coffee is doable, coffee without food is a disaster. Drink plenty of water. Having to pee will keep you awake.

5) When you feel like you will never get it done and you're starting to doze, put on really loud sing-along music and do your bibliography. Print it out and feel successful.

6) If you're almost done in the wee hours of the morning, stop before the conclusion and take a quick nap. Yes, you will feel like crap when you wake up, but that's why God invented the caramel latte and lox spread. Leaving yourself the conclusion for tomorrow forces you to read through the paper, gives your fresh brain a chance to squeeze in a little more smart, and helps you catch the batshit crazy that may have snuck in, despite your best efforts.

7) Don't waste time beating yourself up about procrastinating. It is now too late. Channel Leo McGarry of  The West Wing- "Get it done."

8) Tomorrow, after you've turned it in, when you suddenly feel like crying and quitting school? Go to bed. Even if it's noon.

Next time, useful (not just preachy!) tips on how to avoid this situation.

With love,
Your correspondent.

Fear of finishing

Argh, it was a rough night. Working on the last little bits of a paper that I know is in good shape, and that's exactly what makes it hard to finish. "But what if it's not as good as you think? What if it's not as good as the first one? What if the professor saves it for the bottom of the grading pile and is miserably disappointed? Maybe I should read these eight other sources..."

Dear Brain, I see what you did there. Get a grip.

Are you sure you don't want to be a rabbi?

So I get this question from my classmates about twice a week, at least. And I understand why--I am at divinity school, after all! A fair amount of these folks will enter the ranks of professional clergy themselves, and there are some ways in which I clearly fit the role: I'm an active and committed Jew, and I enjoy talking about religious life beyond the boundaries of my academic discipline. I'm a damn good preacher (if I do say so myself), a good listener and leader, and I have an inexplicable talent for getting on the good side of notoriously cantankerous old people.

But my answer is simple - no.  This certainty does not come out of any disrespect for the profession, let me be absolutely clear. But they keep asking. And these are my favorite classmates: the inquisitive ones, the feisty ones, the feminists, the ones that pay attention to the text and each other, people I respect deeply, people who I think would make great academics if they weren't already committed to ministry. So what's up?

Is this just a reflection of our natural tendency to assume others want what we want? That folks who are awesome must really be like us? Is it like how I secretly hope all the smart ones are gay? Or, on the other hand, does it get at some of the underlying tensions in this field between "church" and "university"? Or is it just about stereotypes? If someone is kind and thoughtful, or has not-completely-arcane theological insights, she must be destined for the pulpit, rather than the classroom? Or on my side, am I assuming that all critical-minded people end up writing, rather than ministering? Are we saying that the academic is dry and the preacher dull? I readily admit that I wonder if this dichotomy is less noticeable to my colleagues in New Testament or Theology, departments that have (here, at least) more clergy among the professorial ranks. Or for that matter, any women, which probably makes it easier to see female students as future professors. (Have I just given away my institution? Tragically, I think not.)

When my mentors were my age, scholars and clergy alike got the MDiv--it was the only degree that offered the preparation in Hebrew, Greek, and modern languages needed for graduate work in Bible. Curriculums were pretty standardized, which is to say, clergy got a little more academics and academics got a little more God. Also, they walked uphill to Systematic Theology. Both ways. In the rain. In all seriousness, though, I wonder if the move to two-year MAs and MTSs might not be a bit of a regression. Are we not here, in part, because we believe in the spirit of a joint enterprise between lived religion and the academic study thereof? Aren't we here to learn from each other? Shouldn't out work be mutually informative? Finally, to deliberately mis-quote a deliberate mis-quotation (seriously, we can get into the backstory here another time), is not theology the theory and ministry, broadly defined, the practice?